My dream starts out when I'm running alongside a chain-link fence that follows a large long canal. I'm running on an adventure for or from something, although I didn't know what at the time. I had a golden retriever dog prancing right along with me. There was a cutaway in the fence and I entered through it wanting to fish the canal. I knew in my mind it could be dangerous with alligators likely nearby. I wasn't so afraid for myself as much as I was afraid for my dog that was quite old and unable to move as swiftly to escape an alligator attack. I started rigging my pole (that magically appeared, haha!) and I called out my dog's name (which escapes my mind) to warn him not to get any closer to the the canal waters. He wasn't listening so I had to put the fishing pole down and go over to the edge of the canal to get him. I looked just past my dog and into the shallow waters and see an alligator just below the water's surface. I couldn't tell if it was waiting there stalking or if it was just resting - it is always hard to tell. I pull my idiot dog farther up the bank, scolding him frustrated at his demeanor for not listening. I quickly realize though he was up there in his years, and had to remind myself that we'll all get there someday, where we too can't remember or won't have much care in the world at an old age. So I patted him on the head, deciding not to fish and continued on our path.
I come to the house I grew up in. I don't know in my dream if I stilled lived there or was just visiting my parents who still lived there. I didn't walk through the front door, I decided to come around back. I see my mother, Dorothy Thomas, alive and well on the back porch hustling and bustling cleaning things, and in between rested with a cup a coffee and a cigarette. This is how I remembered her growing up, and I was dreaming it! She sees me a couple yards away and smiles, "Oh, hi Angela!" She was a little out of breath from moving things around to vacuum. I started to approach her but suddenly things took a turn for a wild ride. I don't recall exactly what happened at this moment in my dream, but I do remember that me and my dog were trapped by alligators. Ponds and motes were appearing around between me and my mother. I had to think fast, but what do I do in a situation I haven't been in before? I knew the best way around all this was to get high above the ground.
I get my dog tied against me and just as I'm about to swing across my mother yells out to me. "I don't think that's such a good idea," like a normal mother would say to her child, although not an appropriate opinion at this given moment, ha ha! "I'll cut some of the brush around here and you can enter much faster that way into the house for safety. But you'll need to go around the mote instead of swinging across at that branch thing."
"Mom, it is not safe to do it the way you want me to. My dog already almost got eaten!" I was already frustrated with her because she made me take more time out to think what was best to do, which is more time to possibly die.
"I've already started. You're choice," she says to me as she starts chopping the tall brush with a machete. I watched her as she went. She was a pro and I had no idea how much of a pro a mother can be at something when it comes to wanting to save her child's life. I was in amazement.
I decided to swing the vine to an area across one of the smaller ponds, where I could see good grounding between that and the mote. The hard part was that I noticed the part to go around the mote was very narrow. I swung across, landed and footed towards the end of the mote where another chain-link fence met. I held my dog this time. I didn't want any surprises, although it was very difficult to hold such a large dog in my small arms. But God gave me the strength of a few men to do so. I tip-toed around the mote, seeing alligator heads bobble on the surface, and I saw some create wakes in the water from underneath. "Get me out of here before they start smelling fear," I said to myself. When I get better ground, I finally sprinted to the back porch and was thankful to be safe.
I give myself some time for my breathing to calm down. Like any child-parent relationship, I was happy to be safe and that my mother was trying to help me, but in the same token I was beyond frustrated with her making the decision more difficult for me, where I could have easily got killed. So I went just inside to sit down on the couch by the sliding glass doors to cool off some steam. Inside it was a lodge my family lived in and rented out and I was sitting in the base lodge with the television in front of me. I say something vulgar out loud through the glass to my mother while covering my ears like a whining child, and as soon as I was finished, I see Tod Mowery passing by looking into the lodge. "I hope he didn't hear me," I thought to myself. "How embarrassing." I slouch in the couch hoping he didn't notice me, or my vulgarity, and kept my head straight to continue to watch television - or at least pretend to. I wanted him to come in though, no matter what. I was torn. I didn't want him to know me in that way, but I knew loving him he'd have to see every aspect of me. I knew his ambivalence towards me, especially in the public's eyes. But deep down I knew he cared for me. So although I may have wanted him to see me, even just for a moment to show some compassion by muttering 'hello', I also didn't expect it from him either. So, that's why I kept my eyes glued to the television.
I hear someone come in. I don't turn around to look. There is always people coming in and out of the lodge. I felt that warmth nearby . . . you know, that warmth when someone is close. My heart beats faster and faster. I'm nervous to turn around to see him standing there right behind me. What do I say? What do I do? He has always made me tongue tied. Partially because of his ambivalence towards me that sometimes can cut like a knife, or "be as sweet as candy" (Legend, 1985). But I was also nervous that my thoughts of him being so forthright and friendly would be devastatingly wrong and be let down by his absence. You can see how this would make any woman's head spin! I turn my head to the right ever so slowly. I see a hand on the backside of the couch. I look upward a little and notice a watch. I recognize the hand . . . that arm . . . and I knew how classy Tod can be to wear a watch - it was him!! I didn't need to look any slower, my eyes bolted upward to see his face.
"Now, what are you so frustrated about?" He asked cunningly. That's what I liked about him. Witty and charming would get any one's attention, or at least he got mine.
I was so happy to see him! I got up, jumped over the couch and literally lunged into his arms, wrapping my entire body around him. I was tired of being shamed by my own family who didn't accept the lovable type of affection, and all I wanted to do is give into it - it's human nature, isn't it? I didn't want to feel ashamed for it and was tired of pretending with Tod, too. I needed to let it out! The day was so horrible, and like any other day that is a let down, I wish he was there. Today, like my knight and shining armor, he is here. Like times before, but just on a whole new level. I could have died, and if there is a chance it may happen, I wanted him to know that I love him completely and always have. I kiss his face forcefully all over, a bit overbearing, but I felt like he just saved me somehow (like he had in the past). Tears were rolling down my face in excess, both joyfully to be in his arms and relieved by my frustration.
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| Monica & Chandler on the show Friends |
I still had my arms and legs wrapped around him when I told him how much I adore him and asked if he was certain about letting people know about us. I asked because he had the tendency to be flighty before, and it was a risk he was taking. Grinning with sincerity, he softly said, "I can't contain my love for you anymore, Ang. I can't live a lie. I am drawn to you like a moth to a flame. What is a lie worth living if I can't have you and yet unable to forget you?"
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