Love Triangle

 

I finally was part of the “it” crowd!  Okay, so I was invited to one of their elegant events.  The “it” crowd apparently for me in this dream was being part of any social gathering consisting of business connections, including Tod and Deborah Mowery’s network of connections.  I walked into the event site – unexpectedly, but content, it was a bowling alley.  There are about 10 large round tables, probably seating about 6 to 8 people each on one side of the alley.  The air was filled with cigarette smoke, like how I remembered it years ago.  Every lady there for the event was dressed in ball gowns or other chic dresses, and the men wore collared button down shirts with blazer jackets.  I felt a bit out of place, even though I was wearing a nice cocktail dress.  I always feel out of place when I’m the “newbie” because people know that and start to protect the lion pack from any change a new person might bring forth.  I approach the table with my girlfriend where Tod and Deborah are sitting with a few other gorgeous ladies.  I was there to learn about what’s going on in the area and what I can be of service for, but I knew I was there mostly to see Tod.  I hate to admit it.  He’s so inviting!  I’m shocked if I’m the only one who gets his magnetism.  I was hoping for this moment – for a very long time!  I want to have more than a few minutes with him; to soak in his wisdom.  Even if it’s just a glance or two I steal – I would know more about him than I do now.

My girlfriend and I sit down.  It’s me, Deborah to my right, my girlfriend to my left, then Tod to the left of her, and the other ladies across from me.  My girlfriend jumps in laughing at a conversation that the table already started before we got there.  It didn’t come as easily for me.  I felt somewhat bizarre there.  Did Tod think I was strictly there to impede on his event?  Did he think I was there to just see him?  I swear his wife, Deborah, knew I was acting a bit shy and love struck to possibly question the reason why.  Thinking these things just made me paranoid, rather than relaxed.  After a while, I came around though, however, if I wanted to talk about a new topic, it went unheard. 

I try to start a conversation (about what, I don’t remember), but it involves my free-spirited expression that I want people to see, and they always would be inattentive at those very moments.  It happens all the time!  I’m never heard, or people enjoy talking over me, and it makes me feel unimportant in any relationship.  It’s like no one turns to me and truly wants to try and strike up a conversation with me.  Finally I mumble “nobody ever listens to me,” a few times.  I don’t think anyone heard; nobody said anything.  Then I lean in to tell Deborah to tell her that nobody is listening to what I’m trying to say.  Tod looks at us inquisitively while not breaking his conversation with the lady to his left. 

Deborah suddenly looks at me in disgust as if I am ruining her evening.  “I heard you!  We all heard you!  We are just choosing to ignore it.”  She says this so everyone could hear at the table.

“But why,” I ask desperately? 

“Because you always say that, Angela.”

I started to get upset, somewhat weepy.  “I don’t always say that!”

“Yes you do,” Deborah replied, almost as if my explanations won’t matter.

I began now to get louder.  “I don’t even know you much.  Never had conversations with you.  So you can’t say that I always say nobody ever listens.”

“Um, you do.”  Deborah seemed like she had some pent up anger towards me.  I can only guess why, but she didn’t justify it, so I wasn’t going to bring it up.  I didn’t understand why she was so temperamental.  “Tod, I’ll be back, I’m going to the bathroom to cool my jets.”

I sat stagnant for a few minutes with mixed feelings from what just went on.  I was hurt, humiliated in front of others – especially Tod, and I was angry that I didn’t stand up for myself.  I haven’t even had the chance to speak with Tod yet, feeling my chances now were very slim after this.  I told myself I needed to make this right.  Right is not exactly an apology where it isn’t needed, but to defend what is morally justifiable, and I felt in that moment that I was being walked on and it made me feel worthless when it shouldn’t have.  So, I get up, excuse myself, tell my girlfriend to come with me, and head straight to the bathrooms.  My girlfriend didn’t like the notion of this.

I felt empowered at that moment.  Grabbing my girlfriend’s arm forcing her to march with me to witness anything that may occur inside.  We get inside, the bathroom is quite empty, and Deborah is just starting to dry off her washed hands.  I look at her with disbelief at her scornful attitude.  “You know, you don’t know me,” I began to say again.  “I do not say that nobody listens.”

“Not according to your friend right there,” pointing to the friend I came with, who knows Tod and Deborah well.  “You always try so hard to get attention, and you make it known if you are not getting it.”

I was crushed.  That is true, but only when I get treated that way by the people I really look up to and would like to get to know.  “Why shouldn’t I make it known?  You are either my friend or aren’t.  You know I only make it known to the people who I look up to because I want to be their friend.  It’s really a shame that you don’t see that you and everyone at that table means the world to me.  But that still doesn’t answer the question to why you are ignoring my conversation starters in the first place.”

I thought she’d have a bit of empathy, but she didn’t.  “I just don’t like you.  And I guess everyone just follows.”

I told my girlfriend to stay back.  She looks at me wondering if I was going to do something horrible to Deborah.  I gently shove Deborah in the corner of the bathroom counter and the wall that held up a tampon dispenser.  I hold her there as I creep in closer.  I am a bit intimidated since she was taller than I am, but it was something I had to do to get the respect I deserve from anyone.  I tried to be soft spoken and honest with her the first time, which didn’t work, so this time I had to be firm.  “Deb.  You don’t know anything about me and what I’m capable of doing.  You already assumed prematurely that I want too much of yours and everybody’s attention, and look where that got you.  I’m going to walk out of here and you are going to stay in here for a bit longer while I go back to that table, and don’t have you to interfere with the topics I want to bring up.  I won’t be at the table long, so you can come back and have your time with your precious husband and precious friends, but only after I’m gone.  Got that?” 

She nodded.

I walked out with shoulders broad, my head high and felt my dress flowing against my fingertips.  My friend starts to walk out with me, then stops at the bathroom doors and went back to comfort Deborah.  I start to see things in a different perspective.  I’d normally whine that my friend went back, probably begging her to come out with me, but now I look at it if she wants to comfort Deborah instead of me after what they all put me through, she can, and I don’t need a friend like that.

Halfway to the table I start to approach quickly.  I had this rushing urge to get to Tod.  I had a moment of bravery.  I didn’t have time to hesitate.  I walk up to him, with starlit eyes and probably a face of fear, yet courageously continue to approach.  He is in the middle of a conversation and stops in his tracks to look up at me not knowing what to expect.  I grab his shirt with a little tug at the chest and squat down next beside him.  I almost went in for a deep kiss, but I stop myself. I can tell he didn’t want people to think there is anything between us.

I spoke brash.  “I promised Deb I wouldn’t take up too much of your time.  I had to tell her she was being rude to me and it upset me . . .’

Tod interrupts, “She can be rude sometimes.”

“I’ve been here and the one person I wanted time with I’m not getting from them,” speaking about spending time with him.  He knew who I was talking about.  The ladies at the table watch us.

“I know,” he says sincerely.  He saw it in my eyes how much it would mean to me, and I saw right back into his that he wished the same, but he couldn’t if he wanted to hold onto his standard of recognition.  He quickly realizes our gaze and looks around the place, making sure I wasn’t making too much of a scene.

That is the only answer I get?  That ‘he knows’?  I was completely bummed.  After confronting his rude wife and putting on a brave face challenging myself to express the feelings of wanting to spend time together, preferably one-on-one or at the very least with a few good people, I was let down tremendously.  He avoided it at all costs.  No matter what he might feel inside, he is a very logical person and saw the forest beyond the trees type guy.  The only emotion he could show me was by being cold about the situation, so I get up, and walk away slowly from the so-called friends I wanted to get to know, and from the guy of my dreams (literally).  I feel his eyes on me, but I didn’t look back.  I was tired of chasing him . . . wanting him . . . when he would never love me back.  I realize this is my closure to a lot of unanswered questions that were left up in the air for so long.